One in two American children will live in a single parent family at some point in childhood. (The State of America’s Children, 1998 Yearbook, Children’s Defense Fund.) “The number of single-parent homes has skyrocketed, displacing many children in this country. Approximately 30% of U.S. families are now being headed by a single parent, and in 80% of those families, the mother is the sole parent. The United States is the world’s leader in fatherless families.” (U.S. Census Bureau Report, “Child Support and Alimony: 1989, released October 11, 1991.) More than a quarter of today’s children will live in a stepfamily situation. (Nicholas Zill, Child Trends, Washington, D.C.)
These situations leave lots of questions on our children’s minds. “Why did Daddy leave?” “Where’s my Mom, and why doesn’t she come to see me?” “Do you love my half-brother more than you love me?” So, what do we tell the children?
What you tell a child depends on the child’s age, maturity and level of development. Says Dr. Geoffrey Greif, “The old sex joke about the child who comes to her parent and asks, ‘Where did I come from?’ applies. The parent gulps, gets out a book, and goes through a lengthy discussion on reproduction. The child says thanks, as she has just heard that Johnny comes from Chicago and she was wondering where she came from.”
In essence, Dr. Greif, Ph.D., Associate Dean and Professor at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, believes that the answer has to be appropriate to the child and the situation. In situations of complete abandonment by one parent, a child who is two years old, for example, can be told that she has a father, but he is not here. If the child asks why, the answer might be, “He is living in Chicago.” While that might satisfy a two-year-old, the answer might not appease a five-year-old. The five-year-old might ask to see his parent and have to be told that his father is no longer involved with the family and that the mother doesn’t know where he is. Dr. Greif stresses that in situations where a father or mother is not involved in a child’s life, a substitution might be made. Discuss with your child what he would like to do with his mother or father. “Can Uncle Joe do those things instead and be ’sort of’ like a father to you?” “Can we ask Aunt Sally to be like your mom?”
Dr. Joy Faini Saab, Associate Professor of Education at West Virginia University, urges parents to take cues from the child. Don’t provide what you think your child needs, rather than what the child actually needs. And don’t answer more than the child is asking. We often confuse children when we muddy the waters with superfluous details. Figure out exactly what your child is asking and answer that question.
Dr. Lyn Boulter, Ph.D., Developmental Psychologist at Catawba College in Salisbury, North Carolina, is also a strong proponent of answering your children’s questions without giving them extraneous information. She adds that parents should always be positive, despite their personal feelings.
“We do it every day,” says Dr. Boulter. “We see a woman we can’t stand, and we smile and say, ‘Hello! Love your hair!’ We’re really thinking her hair looks sick, but we hide our true feelings.”
We need to hide our feelings with regard to our ex-spouses so that our children feel free to develop their own feelings about their dad, mom, stepmother, stepfather, etc. When parents get children involved in the triangle of their own feelings, it harms the child. It relates to them that they aren’t allowed to feel the way they want to feel.
Jan* (names have been changed) began dating Ted several months after her divorce. She was surprised soon after when her then-two-year-old daughter began calling Ted, “Daddy.” The man never slept over at Jan’s house, but he spent a great deal of time with both Jan and her daughter. Her daughter had had no contact with her biological father since she was less than a year old. The child saw other children with their “daddies” at daycare, and she saw that those “daddies” behaved in a manner consistent with the way Ted treated her. She, therefore, concluded that Ted was her Daddy. Jan and Ted later married, and Ted adopted the little girl. Jan now worries when and how to explain to her daughter that Ted is not her biological father.
Dr. Greif states that Jan must be honest in a way that is true, yet supportive of the father, child, and Jan’s own position within the situation. He cautions that one should always separate the behavior from the person; i.e., what the father did was wrong, perhaps, but do not say he is a bad person, or else the child will feel badly about herself. In Jan’s case, she could tell her daughter (if age-appropriate) that “your father was in a bad situation at the time that he left and felt he shouldn’t stay involved with the family at the time. He may want to have contact with you in the future, but I am a little concerned [about] what kind of mood he may be in. Do you know sometimes how you or I are in a bad mood and say hurtful things? I’m worried that’s the kind of mood he may be in.”
Alicia’s ex-husband is inconsistent with exercising his visitation rights. If his weekend visitation conflicts with other plans-he’s scored tickets to an out-of-town concert-then he forgoes spending time with his children. If he is supposed to pick up the children at six p.m., he might arrive at eight p.m. When their father doesn’t show up for a scheduled visitation, the children take their anger and frustration out on each other and Alicia.
Dr. Greif advises that Alicia needs to protect the children from the sporadic visitation by getting the children involved in an activity that can be continued if the parent doesn’t show. Alicia might tell older children that their father is inconsistent, which is better than saying that he is untrustworthy, a loser, or unloving.
Says Dr. Boulter, “This is an excellent opportunity to teach your child problem-solving and coping skills.” Let the child express her feelings and ask if she’d like to investigate the situation rather than jump to conclusions. For example, “Maybe we should call your dad and see if something came up. If so, we can make other plans.” Dr. Boulter adds that we should always try to leave our child with good thoughts about the irresponsible parent. Eventually, the child will form his own judgments by his observations of the behavior.
“Language is important in framing these unresolvable issues for families,” explains Dr. Greif. “I might say to a nine-year-old, ‘I know you are expecting Daddy to visit this Sunday, and I know that sometimes he comes and sometimes he doesn’t come. Let’s talk about what you will do if he comes and what you will do instead if he doesn’t come.’ This stops the child from feeling at a loss.”
Dr. Saab counsels parents that children are adaptable to their family configuration, provided they have a stable, secure environment. We, as parents, need to allay our children’s fears and let them know that we are there for them and that we will protect them. Children need to have a sense of comfort and security from the person who is there.
“Establish daily one-on-one time with your child,” Dr. Saab suggests. “Play games, read together…organize your schedule to allow as much relaxed contact with your child as possible on a daily basis. This allows you to be closely in touch with your child and provides opportunities for you and your child to talk.” Dr. Saab indicates that commute time can also be a time of coming-together for you and your child. “Turn off the radio and talk…or turn on the radio and sing. Be silly. Have fun with your child.” Making time for your child shows that she is important to you.
Dr. Elayne Savage, family psychologist and author of Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing With Rejection, sees a lot of adults who are still having self-esteem issues because they suffered divorce-related abandonment issues as a child. In her book, there are several stories about these types of situations. (For more information, see Dr. Savage’s website http://www.elaynesavage.com.)
Invariably, children of divorce wonder, “What did I do wrong?” Dr. Savage emphasizes that it’s important for your child to be able to put his thoughts and feelings into words. The child usually can’t talk with either parent because they’re loyal to both parents; they’re afraid they’ll hurt one parent’s feelings, and they don’t want to take sides. Ideally, the child should have someone neutral to talk with; i.e., a school counselor. Dr. Savage expresses a desire to see more churches, schools or community organizations offer programs for children of divorce. “They [children of divorced parents] need to know they aren’t alone [in their situation],” she says. Dr. Savage also encourages parents to find age-appropriate books on divorce to help their children deal with issues they might be facing.
It’s important to put yourself in your child’s shoes during this time. Dr. Savage states that the main question children have on their minds is, “What’s gonna happen to me?” Try to make transitions as least stressful as possible.
Dr. Saab also conveys the importance of keeping an open line of communication with your family, especially in times of stress. For example, if Dad remarries and the child suddenly gains a stepfamily, that family should provide many opportunities for relaxed fun together. This allows all the members of this new family unit to interact, get to know each other and effectively communicate. “Show each member of the family that you care,” encourages Dr. Saab, “by establishing a record of permanence for each one. Make sure each child is represented in a photo album, a scrapbook, or even represented on the refrigerator!”
Dr. Saab warns that while it’s important for us to take our cues from our children, we should be aware that they are taking their cues from us. If our words are contradicted by our emotional reaction, the children will believe the emotional reaction. “I love you, but I’m busy right now!” said in an angry tone might convey to the child that he is not loved.
All the above experts agree that we can’t control our ex-spouses, but we can provide a safe haven for our children. We are their role models, their protectors, their confidantes, and their security. No matter what anyone else in our children’s lives do-or do not do-we must remain consistent, positive and loving; because if our children have that, then no one else can make a bigger difference in their lives. Just like adults, if our children have a strong foundation, they won’t be shaken. So, grab your child, a cement mixer, and a trowel. You mix; he’ll pour.
CHILDREN’S BOOKS ON DEALING WITH DIVORCE
It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children during Divorce, by Vicki Lansky, Jan Prince (Illustrator), Jane Prince (Illustrator). For children ages 4-7. KoKo Bear learns what divorce means, how to deal with changes, how to recognize and talk about her feelings, and that the divorce is not her fault. Each page includes tips for parents. This easy-to-understand children’s story and parenting guide is intended for families where both parents plan to stay active and involved in their child’s life. It’s Not Your Fault, KoKo Bear revolves around a lovable bear who doesn’t want to have two homes. KoKo’s experience will help children learn what divorce means, how family life will change, and understand that the divorce is not their fault.
I Don’t Want To Talk About It: A Story About Divorce For Young Children, by Jeanie Franz Ransom, Kathyrn Kunz Finney (illustrator). For children ages 5-8. When a child’s parents tell her they decided to divorce, the last thing she wants to do is talk about it. Instead, she wants to roar as loud as a lion so she can’t hear their painful words, or turn into a fish and hide her tears in the sea, or even become a bird and fly away. But with her mother and father’s help, she starts to consider what life will be like after the divorce and learns that although some things will change, many other things will remain the same. Most importantly, she realizes that although her parents may not agree on is that they both love her very much and will always be her mom and dad.
Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide For Changing Families, Vol. 1, by Laurie Krasny Brown, Marc Brown. For children ages 5-8. Text and illustrations of dinosaur characters introduce aspects of divorce such as its causes and effects, living with a single parent, spending holidays in two separate households, and adjusting to a stepparent.
Divorced but Still My Parents: A Helping Book About Divorce For Children And Parents, by Shirley Thomas and Dorothy Rankin. For children ages 6-12. Contains chapters addressing the five stages of mourning–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance–are interspersed with interactive activities. Includes a four-part story of Kristen, a charming kitten who goes through the process of divorce with her parents, showing children how to cope.
What In The World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce?: A Survival Guide For Kids, by Roberta Beyer, Kent Winchester. For children ages 7-12. One reviewer claims this book deals with “all the common fears” children have after their parents divorce.
Divorce Is Not The End Of The World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide For Kids, by Ellen Sue Stern, Zoe Stern, Evan Stern. For young adults. A teenage brother and sister whose parents are divorced discuss topics relating to this situation, respond to letters from other children, and offer tips based on their experience. Includes insights from their mother.
PARENTS’ BOOKS ON DEALING WITH DIVORCE
Joint Custody With A Jerk: Raising A Child With An Uncooperative Ex, by Julia A. Ross, Judy Corcoran (Contributor). From Ingram: “This hands-on, practical guide offers many proven communication techniques that will not only help readers deal with a difficult ex-husband or ex-wife by describing examples of common problems, but also teach them how to examine their roles in these sticky situations.”
Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, by Richard A. Warshak. Your ex-spouse is bad-mouthing you to your children, perhaps even trying to turn them against you. If you handle the situation ineffectively, you could lose your children’s respect, their affection — even, in extreme cases, contact with them. Backed by twenty-five years of experience in helping families, Dr. Richard Warshak presents powerful strategies for dealing with everything from tainted parent-child relationships in which children are disrespectful or reluctant to show their affection to disturbances in which children virtually disown an entire side of the family.
Custody Chaos, Personal Peace: Sharing Custody With an Ex Who’s Driving You Crazy, by Jeffrey P. Whittmann, Ph.D. This empowering guide is an inspirational roadmap for the millions of men and women navigating a rocky relationship with a former spouse-while trying to maintain a healthy atmosphere for their child.
Caught In The Middle: Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce, by Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Baris. This book explores both the causes and consequences of high-level, stressful conflict between divorced parents on their children’s development. It also provides concrete advice to help parents work together to the benefit of all involved, most importantly the children.
What About The Kids: Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce, by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee. With compassion and wisdom, Wallerstein shows how to create a new kind of family. Her experience has educated her in the ways that work, and in the ways that don’t. For the first time, she shares her deep understanding of raising children after divorce, and how you and they can make use of the second chance that divorce can provide.
Don’t Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing With Rejection, by Elayne Savage, Ph.D. Understand the effect that anxiety, frustration, hurt and anger have on your interactions with others; de-personalize your responses and establish safe boundaries that protect you from hurt, practice making choices about the thoughts you think and the ways you respond to stressful situations; and understand and overcome fear of rejection in personal and work relationships.
Gayle Trent is a full-time freelance writer, editor and author. Visit her site at
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